Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
