I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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