Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
