yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Someone signed my nipple.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
PANTIES FOUND
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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