and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The struggles of a small town man whore
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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