he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
