new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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