getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
