All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
