I just saw a hot homeless man
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
