so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
