Your dad touched me again.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
