so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
