I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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