goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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