im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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