I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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