A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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