The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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