He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
