a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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