I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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