ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
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