4 words: hood of his car
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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