your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think I died a long time ago.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize