I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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