it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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