i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
smell my finger.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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