Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
