You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Randomize
