im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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