Cold hands, warm shart.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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