His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
