2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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