How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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