i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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