Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
