My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
