Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
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I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.