everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Cover your peen. We're going out.