I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
