ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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