Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
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I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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