it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
as a side note pls kill me
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