Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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