Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
