My liver just broke up with me...
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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