Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
