Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
