I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
this is an emotional support booty call
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
