My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
