There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
