if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
