i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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