you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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